Review of 'How Not to Write a Novel' by Sandra Newman and Howard Mittelmark

This book is seriously funny - meaning that it will help you write a better book, if you don't die laughing first.

How Not to Write a Novel has become my bedside Bible - not so much for its religious content, which, it has to be said, is minimal, but in the same way that Bridget Jones's Diary held that place for many years, and before that, Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Sue Townsend's Adrian Mole. Common factor - all are reliably and comfortingly funny, however many times you've already read them and especially if you wake up in the middle of the night.

Mittelmark is an editor of many years' standing and Newman is a well-respected author. Between them, they have put together some of the mistakes and gaffes that new (and maybe even older) writers make, both in their novels and in the process of submitting to them agents and publishers. But Newman and Mittelmark brilliantly turn the process on its head. As suggested by the title, this book, if you heed its advice, will make sure you never, ever get published.

Should you by any chance have come up with a good plot, Mittelmark and Newman are on hand to help you slow it down and mess it up. Just make sure, they advise, that nothing of any significance happens before Chapter 5. Stick your character in front of a mirror and let her describe herself as brown-haired, of medium height, with medium-sized breasts. Or, give your male protagonist eyes of cobalt blue. Before your hero's story begins, introduce us at length to every member of his extended family and all their cutely-named pets.

And if your hero gets stuck in an underwater cave, suddenly announce to your readers that it's OK - he trained as a pearl-diver in his youth. Begin your novel with philosophical musings on the nature of humanity and, just to make sure your reader gets the idea, reprise your thesis at the end.

And should you be brave enough to attempt a sex scene - well, the examples in this book will delight and inspire you to climactic heights.


And, er... never visit the same launderette twice. In your novel, that is, not in real life. (I fell foul of this myself.)

One word of caution - this book isn't really for completely novice writers. It could scare them off for life. But if you've been writing for a while, and especially if you've begun to engage in the submission game (no, not a form of bondage recommended for your prospective Mills and Boon...), then you'll understand what they're talking about and quite possibly end up having a good laugh at yourself. But you'll also learn a lot - I did - and next time you're tempted to write one of those unintelligible prologues, you'll just possibly give it a miss and cut to the chase.

My copy of How Not to Write a Novel is tattered, chocolate-spattered, wine-drenched and bubblebath-wrinkled. What greater recommendation can I make?


How Not to Write a Novel: 200 mistakes to avoid at all costs if you ever want to get published
Authors: Sandra Newman and Howard Mittelmark
Paperback: 272 pages
Penguin Books, 29th Jan 2009
ISBN-10: 0141038543
ISBN-13: 978-0141038544


Review by Rosalie Warren, 5/2/2012
Follow me on Twitter: @Ros_Warren
My website

Hurray for National Libraries Day!

... and to everyone - readers, writers, librarians, teachers, parents, children, council workers... and all the others who took part.

From what I heard, there was enthusiastic support for events held all over the country. Which all backs up the case of how important our libraries are to us (anyone listening, Mr Cameron?)

I had a wonderful time on my two library visits yesterday. Bell Green and Tile Hill libraries in Coventry both made me and fellow author Ann Evans very welcome. They publicised our events, put up posters and displays of our books, gave us refreshments and made us feel at home. I love libraries!

In spite of temperatures of minus 3, a good number of people turned up. We spoke about our experiences, good and bad, of writing, submitting and getting published. There were some great questions and we shared a fair few laughs. As always at these events, I was impressed to see keen writers there, especially young ones.But what shone out from the audiences was their love of books.

Highlights of my day:

(1) The librarian who told me about the problem kid who had to be banned from the library for 18 months but is now back - and reading.

(2) The lovely woman who picked up the library's copy of my Low Tide, Lunan Bay and took it to the counter to borrow it, saying she couldn't wait to read it. (Hope she likes it!)

It was a tiring day and we somehow didn't get time to eat our lunch, but not to worry. It convinced me, if ever I needed convincing, that libraries are a vital part of our culture. The libraries we visited were in areas of the city where many people are currently struggling to get by. These libraries are oases of warmth, entertainment and sanity, in contrast to an outside world that's often harsh, competitive and unwelcoming.

We let libraries go at our peril. People in power, please take note.

Attempting to storm the pearly gates of Agent Heaven

See my post today on An Awfully Big Blog Adventure.

I'm casting a few light-hearted aspersions on some of the techniques recommended to writers for appeasing agents...

National Libraries Day

Feeling so guilty that I haven't posted on here since January 8th (hangs head in shame).

Excuses... blah blah blah... contributing to other blogs... arguing with my bank who have managed to lose a big chunk of my money and are taking 18 working days to restore it growl growl growl... writing (not as much as I should have been), discussing a contract for an exciting new series (yeah! More soon..) and, er... not quite sure what else.

But I'm pleased to announce that on Saturday 4th Feb it's National Libraries Day, and if ever anything needed a 'day', our national libraries do!

I'm going to be at two Coventry libraries, Bell Green and Tile Hill, giving talks on 'How to Write' with my friend and fellow writer, Ann Evans.

(The picture above shows an event in Coventry Central Library that Ann and I did, with the help of some enthusiastic pupils from King Henry VIII School, Coventry, last summer.)

The Bell Green event is 11am-12pm and the Tile Hill one is 1.30-3.30pm. There will be refreshments at the Tile Hill one, which is longer.

More details can be seen on the Coventry Council website.

If you are in the area, please do come along and take part. Ann and I will be speaking about our varied experiences in the world of writing and being published, and having several friendly arguments about the need to plan our stories and how to find time to write. There'll be plenty of time for questions and we'd love to hear about your writing experiences, too.

Hope to see you there.

Finally, I promise there'll be more reviews on here soon. And I need to tell you about my new series for 7-9s, and exciting developments with Charity's Child.

Happy reading, writing and everything else

Best wishes,

Rosalie

My website
One of my characters blogging - Brought Up By Ghosts

Reviewing today on 'Awfully Big Reviews'

Just to say that I have a review published today on Phil Earle's wonderful YA novel, Being Billy. It's over at Awfully Big Reviews, which is a very popular site where authors (mainly children's and YA) review other people's books.

Please drop by and say hello.

I'll be posting again here on my own blog, soon.

Introducing Marie T Ghost

Just a quick post to introduce a new character of mine called Marie T. She had a rather strange childhood, which she is blogging about here



If you'd like to join her there and read about why she is starting to believe she was brought up by ghosts, Marie would be very pleased to welcome you. She is also tweeting, at @MarieTGhost.

Stop press: Marie T has just posted her second instalment, 8/1/12



More Rosalie Reviews coming soon!

Book Review - 'Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?' by Jeanette Winterson

I've been a fan of Jeanette Winterson's books for many years, starting with the wonderful Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (1985), a novel based on Winterson's own childhood in 1960s Lancashire. Actually, my introduction to Oranges came through the BBC adaptation in 1990, which I watched with surprise and delight. Since then I have particularly enjoyed Sexing the Cherry (2009) and Lighthousekeeping (2005). One of the things I love about Winterson's work is that every one of her novels is completely different from the rest. You never quite know what you're in for, and that's part of the power and charm.

In spite of my admiration for this writer, I was not prepared for Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?, which is actually a memoir of Winterson's early years, followed by a break, followed by the resumption of the story over 20 years later when she decides to try to trace her birth mother. I'd heard snatches on Radio 4 and enjoyed what I heard, but I'm never at my most attentive when clearing up the breakfast dishes or washing the floor, and reading the book hit me hard.

Why Be Happy? is the kind of book that makes you rethink your life. It reminded me why I write and why I read. Winterson describes how her love of poetry rescued her from a childhood that was impossible in so many ways. Poetry and fiction are not an option for the educated middle classes - they are, or can be, ways of surviving life. I paraphrase, but that, for me, was the gist. And it's so true. And it's such a good reminder of why children (and adults, but especially children) NEED LIBRARIES. Yes, I'm shouting. Forgive me, but I am, and I trust Ms Winterson approves.

I don't want to give away too much, but Jeanette was adopted at a very young age and became the daughter of Mr and Mrs Winterson of Accrington. Her childhood was in some ways similar to my own - northern, 1960s, lacking in many material comforts and so on. But hers was unusual in that the Wintersons - especially Jeanette's adoptive mother - were a very religious family, belonging to an extreme evangelical Christian church. This meant that many ordinary pleasures were denied to the young Jeanette. It also meant that when she fell in love with a girl, sparks flew and she had to leave home.

One of the things that impressed me was the trouble Winterson takes to be fair to the long-dead Mrs Winterson, to try to understand her and account for her odd and often cruel behaviour. This is not a bitter book. It is, however, an honest one.

Jeanette's attempts to find her birth mother are unlike any other superficially similar story I've read. There is not a trace of sentiment. She is searingly candid about her feelings, including the period of depression that preceded her search. We are left with many questions at the end, as Jeanette herself is left with them.

I finished this memoir wanting to say thank you to the author. As I said above, she reminded me why I love books, both reading and writing them. It's a great way to start the New Year.

I hope you'll read it and enjoy it too.

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?
by Jeanette Winterson
Publisher: Jonathan Cape (27 Oct 2011)
ISBN-10: 0224093452
ISBN-13: 978-0224093453
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